It's A Redneck Thang!

I was on the phone this morning talking to my mom about what to write for a hub. I have been fighting a bad case of writer's block, that would allow me to start many ideas, but soon fizzle out to sound lame in the end. Finally giving up writing my own hubs, I started giving my mom ideas. She stopped me when I began to tell her about a feud between my youngest sis and her neighbor. She informed me this would be a great idea for a hub. I don't know...but will give it my best shot.

Before I get too far into this hub, I need to stop and say sorry to my Christian fans and followers. Although my family grew up in a religious home, not all of them embraced living as a Christian. So, I am letting my fellow hubbers know, that if you are easily offended, now would be the time to escape and run away.

It has come to my attention, through my baby sis, that there is a difference between being a Redneck and being a Hillbilly. (Something her neighbor made the mistake of calling her.) I am still at a loss as to the difference, but know that when she reads this, she will be sure to tell me. Which leads me to the topic of this hub.

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Cardisa and Mistyhorizon, fellow hubbers, posted interesting hubs about how to annoy your neighbor. I would like to add to that idea with how to annoy your neighbor the Redneck way. Big Nam began this tradition with an elderly woman that used to watch out her window, the comings and goings of our family. For months, he watched his neighbor watching him. He tried to be polite and wave to her, but she would turn up her nose and close the curtains.

Big Nam was working at a roofing plant, with the morning being a hot and sticky one. He savored his end of the shift shower, pulled on his cowboy boots and headed home. As predicted, his neighbor's nose was plastered to the window, phone in her hand. Big Nam casually stepped out of his truck, and gave his neighbor his friendly wave, with a sardonic smile on his face. The elderly lady blushed as she was caught, and hastily closed the window, the phone in her hand, dropping on the floor.

Mrs. Nam met Mr. Nam at the front door. Her face glowed the color of strained beets, as she exclaimed, “Where are your cloths?”

Big Nam, his cheeks creased with evil lines of a smile, replied, “I forgot them this morning when I was running late.”

“What did you do to Mrs. Jennings? It looked like someone has waltz over her grave.” Mrs. Nam asked, hands on her hips.

“Why, Willy gave her a friendly wave.” Big Nam chuckled.

It didn't take long for Mrs. Nam to receive a call from her mother-in-law informing her that Mrs. Jennings thought Big Nam was a horrible son for flashing her...butt-naked!

So began the Redneck way of annoying a neighbor tradition, and the reasoning behind writing this hub. I will list a few ways that have been productive in our family.

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Playing the banjo on the front porch may not win any award with the neighbors that enjoy the finer things in life-then again-this isn't that annoying, until you have a band playing on your front porch, while the neighbors are throwing black-tie cocktail party. (Some have been known to crank up the yodeling music to drown out the bass music, of teens that are parked, and necking in front of the house.)

Nothing will catch the attention of a neighbor quicker than animal carcasses hung off a porch. Recently on Facebook, a relative posted a picture of a Christmas light reindeer that was hung from the rafters of their porch to resemble one such dead carcass. (They took it a step further, by swirling red lights on a stump below the lit up reindeer.) What were they thinking?...

I know, it is terrible of me, but I couldn't help but laugh when I saw this picture. It made me think of a few others of my family members, doing this just to annoy their neighbor.

Since we are on the subject of lawn decoration, the Rednecks in our family love to shock and awe some of their neighbors. Such as strategically placing a ring from the inside of a dryer in the front yard, filling it with fake flowers, and lining the boarder with different sizes and types of rock.

This can be taken up a notch by burying and cementing a dead tree (size doesn't matter) in the yard, not far from the floral arrangement. Off the tree can be hung Christmas lights, ornaments, bird houses, or to really annoy the neighbor, a vast arrangement of wind chimes. (Making sure there are enough to make a loud racket when the wind blew.)

Any Redneck will tell you that they can't go a day without relaxing by the driveway, watching their buddies work on their vehicles, with a can of beer in hand. To contain those discarded beer cans, make a fenced in area large enough to hold twenty pounds of cans, making sure to place it in the yard where the neighbors can discard theirs too. (You can consider it being a friendly neighbor.)

Wooden spools-that cable are rolled up on- make the perfect table and chairs for any Redneck card game or feast. Since they come in different sizes, one can make a place for the children, and a separate place further away for the adults. (It is always wise to place the children closer to the neighbor's property so they can play with the other children. Be sure to have plenty of Root beer on hand for those crazy kids that like to shout, “Want a beer?” to their friends.)

If one is worried about the younger children escaping from the yard, it is best to build a Redneck fence. This can be achieved by using old iron bed frames. It gives it a more appealing look, place them in some type of pattern, (such as big, little, big, little.) This will help to contain a few of the wilder ones. (No worries, they will only get their heads suck between the bars once.)

A family member of mine was once asked to be in charge of the bonfire, during one family event. Worried that he wouldn't have enough wood, (and wanting to discard an eyesore from his yard,) he decided to burn a whole, wooden, boat. Great bonfire from the kids point of view, but horrible for the fire-starter that singed major parts of his hair off. It took awhile for the children to be able to roast marshmallows.

There are three major ways that Redneck members of my family mow their yards. First, they love to let the yards grow to be about knee high, before mowing them. One enjoys mowing in the comforts of shorts, so short that they resemble tighty whities, and a can of beer. I have seen many a neighbor gagging or blushing, when their eyes feasted upon that sight. One of my family members enjoys turning the goats loose to eat down the grass. This idea wouldn't be so bad, if it weren't for the goats wandering off into the neighbor's yard. Just for kicks, Big Nam loves to mow crop circles in his yard to see what the gossip will be the next day. (Doing it drunk is explainable, doing it sober is entertaining.)

No Redneck decorated yard would be complete without an outdoor living bathroom. This is achieved by placing a modern toilet and pedestal sink under a cluster of trees. For those that choose this style of decoration, make sure to leave a roll of toilet paper next to the toilet. One never knows when a drunkard or child is in desperate need of a second bathroom. (This will also help to deter them from leaving their feces in a box.) I am speaking from experience with the box.

There have been many a moment, when I wished for a second bathroom, but can't bring myself to make a Redneck one. Maybe, some day, I can graduate to an outhouse.

To some neighbors, teaching your children gag tricks are more harmful than helpful. (Just ask Big Nam when he taught his grandchildren how to scare some campers with a fake rubber rattlesnake, with a real rattler's tail, attached to the end of a fishing pole. To this day, my children will tell you how much fun they had. I don't think the poor biologist ever recovered.)

Lastly, there have been a few family members known to decorate their windows in beer can shades. (This is where they stack the beer cans upon each other till the window is covered.) The nosy neighbor is often blinded by the reflection when they look out their window to see what is going on.

Nothing will choke up a neighbor that is unfriendly by showing up to their party, as a side kick to a friend. Be sure not to attend the party empty handed. Remember, your parents taught you to be polite. Bring a creative platter filled with a variety of meats. (Liver, gizzards, heart, and hooves have shown up at our parties before.) As long as it isn't roadkill, wild game is acceptable. Don't forget to add a stock of home brew reserved for company.

Word of warning, never provoke the Redneck when drinking. I have seen a family member use the neighbor's chimney as target practice. When that didn't work, he tried to take out the ceiling fan. I was amazed the fan still worked after being shot up.

For now, I will leave my readers with these little tidbits to feast upon the next time they encounter an annoying neighbor. Until the next Redneck adventure...