The Outhouse vs the Modern Toilet. Which do you prefer?

When I was a teen in high school I had a teacher that clearly had her favorites. It became apparent that I was not going to be one of them. To retaliate, I went home one day to brain storm an idea that would get her attention. We were to write a compare and contrast essay on things we know. I had many ideas, but she rejected them all. It was time for the ultimate revenge. (As a Christian, you are not supposed to stoop to this level, but I was young at the time.)

The problem I had was what would be catchy enough to stop her in her tracks and appreciate a good piece of work. My grammar was horrible, and still is, and I couldn’t spell as well as I liked. Thank you for spell check! I didn’t have a way with words that could keep the flow going, but I could gross someone out easy enough.

Then I had it!

The idea hit me like a ton of bricks when I thought back to visits with my great grandmother. I was amazed that she had indoor plumbing, but no bathroom. She never felt the need to put one in because her outhouse was just a “hop, skip, and a jump” away from the backdoor.

Oh the things I could write about that outhouse.

It reminded me of those outhouses on Westerns that old people watched. It was nothing like the plastic ones people use today. This was an authentic, old fashion, wooden outhouse. The door even swung shut with a spring that attached from the doorframe of the door to the inside wall of the outhouse.

This one just happened to be a double seater. (That way if you were too scared to go in by yourself, you could just drag a sibling in with you.) It was fascinating and terrifying!

Granny’s outhouse was clean compared to most I had been in. Growing up camping, this one has seen a lot of outhouses in her time. I had the perfect topic for my paper.

Unlike now, back then there wasn’t much of a variety to a basic modern toilet. Even the colors were limited, pink, avocado, brown, tan, or white. I didn’t need to do much on the research side of modern toilets. It was time to begin.

I began my paper with a catchy line. Which would you prefer; outhouse or indoor plumbing? I then gave the explanation why I chose those topics of interest. With my first paragraph out of the way, I was ready to drop the hammer.

I wanted to save the best for last, so I decided to begin with the descriptions and benefits of a modern toilet. Such as…if there is four feet of snow outside, how convenient it is to walk into the other room to excuse oneself. A modern toilet is a bowl-shaped fixture that shines like a pearl when properly cleaned. All that porcelain and chrome beckons…come use me. The way the water swirls as it flushes, one knows they won’t be haunted by fumes. It even deserved its own name…The Throne. A place of piece and quiet; where if one wants they can read, contemplate the problems of tomorrow, or just let her rip.

The outhouse on the other hand is a place where horror stories are made. A jaunt to the crapper in the middle of the night becomes an adventure in itself. One wrong step inside, and it could be one’s nose in the receiving end of the hole. That black abyss of murky water beckons to come closer and see what is in it. Could you imagine falling in one? Children find it fascinating to drop items into the void to see the ripples; finding what floats or sinks. Smell is of no consequence to the curious. That only applies to a clean outhouse.

Flies indulging themselves on human waste is one downfall of the infamous outhouse. There is nothing more alarming that to pull open the door, bladder full, and be confronted with a swarm of flies buzzing about. A buildup of cobwebs and spiders will quickly make one cringe as they slam the door shut; their body twitching, arms swatting the invisible intruders. It doesn’t take much for the imagination to picture a lone spider slipping down its silk and dropping quietly into the nap of one’s neck. An unused outhouse is first-class real estate to bees and hornets. It pays to use caution when opening the door to one of these. (That is when I prefer the bush and will take my chances with the snakes.)

Avoid outhouses that have a waffering odor so bad ripples are seen in the air. This sometimes happens when one is confronted with an accompanying skunk. Another unpleasant outhouse is one spattered with the “juicy fart”. If the outhouse rattles, it would be wise to run in the opposite direction.

I think there are many benefits to having an outhouse-if one bathroom is full, company can use the outside office.

Once I put on the finishing paragraph and brushed up a few other areas, I was ready to present my work of art to my unsuspecting teacher. I couldn’t wait for the next morning and giggled myself to sleep.

I looked like a jackrabbit on crack wandering from class to class till it was time for English. My leg yammered like a jackhammer waiting for the teacher to come by and collect our papers. Finally she did.

She calmly picked up my essay and sped read the first paragraph. Then the most unimaginable thing happened. My plan backfired. This revenge I was thinking about didn’t include her reading the paper out loud to the class. My jaw dropped. Cheeks turned the color of a beet while my eye darted about the room. I have to give her credit though. She held her cookies till she was done reading. Then she quickly and discretely exited the room for the nearest modern toilet.

Boy, did I have a great story to pass on to my kids for their essay teacher.

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