Who Farted? I Really Want to Know!

Who Farted? I really wanted to know…

Please pass the gas mask. I am hyperventilating from the fumes that are rippling through my house. I wish I could have claimed it was a bad fart, but much it is much worst. Whoever thought that snuffing paint was a grand idea should be shot up with a bag of Dilantin. I will have bruises later from sliding out of my chair.

Ok where was I…oh ya, the who farted?...

Let see there are many different ways of looking at this.

According to my children and the little ones of the family, there are many different types of farts.

1. There are the prairie dogging farts.
2. The walking shuffle farts.
3. There are the surprise farts.
4. There are the never ending farts.
5. There are the baby farts that happen during church.
6. There are the Dutch oven farts. (Children love these. There is nothing like hovering under a blanket sharing smelly farts.)
7. There are the silent but deadly farts. (Run from anyone chuckling from behind a book. They are only pretending to be reading.)
8. There are the ones that sound like frogs croaking. (Of course a silent but deadly one will make the frogs croak.)
9. There are the ones that sound like a pipe bomb went off. Everyone runs for cover, but it was harmless.
10. There is the fart where one needs to squeeze their butt cheeks together making sure they make it to the toilet before the bomb explodes. (Kids call them the chunky monkey farts)
11. I had to add this one to humor my little niece and nephews…It is the dog farts. (Also known as the Beneful fart.)

For some reason the passing of bodily gas our house creates quite the riot. Kids grab their guts and roll on the floor laughing while the guilty parent looks on with the “What?” face. The other parent tries to keep order but joins in laughing when they realize it is a lost cause.

It is probably a good thing that my dad doesn’t read my hubs. He would be having a stroke right now if he read this one. I would have never remembered this next story if it hadn’t of been for my one of my sisters.

She remembered as a child listening to a Jeff Foxworthy’s cassette about when dad goes to the bathroom. He sounds like a beached whale so bad that Green Peace pounded on his door. So she asked me if I remembered it…

Our dad, bless his heart is one of those guys that Jeff Foxworthy talks about, although he will deny being a redneck. Our mother had heard of Jeff Foxworthy when he was just getting started into comedy and loved his red neck jokes. Us kids, well lets just say that many of us had to change our pants often after listening to him and swearing he was talking about dad.

One particular morning, we were packing up for a road trip. (Thanks to the type of work my dad did, we could travel often. So naturally all of our greatest memories come from some of these trips.)

Dad was one of those men that would wait till everyone was packed and loaded up in the car, then he would sneak of into the bathroom for twenty minutes. (And he did sound like a beached whale.) Mom was listening to the Foxworthy tape that morning that we were getting ready to leave. So, five little heads sat outside of the bathroom door waiting for the whale noises. Sure enough, he came through as expected. Mom busted us outside the door. My middle sister couldn’t help it, she pounded on the door, scaring Dad and told him that Green Peace was outside. Thank goodness he couldn’t hear well.

We were about six hours down the road when Mom decided to listen to the Foxworthy cassette again. By now we had the thing memorized. Each time he would come to a part about a redneck we would burst out laughing in the backseat.

His timing for his car fart couldn’t have been better when he leaned out the door to the left, aiming his rear to Mom and let it rip. It was at the same time that Foxworthy was talking about the beach whale sounds dad’s make in the bathroom. We lost it!

My poor Dad then realized what my sister yelled at him through the door, and didn’t see the humor in it. He was so upset, while we were screaming to stop because we had to pee from laughing so hard, that he ejected the cassette and threw it out the window. My Mom tried glaring at him through the tears in her eyes, but it was useless. A few miles down the road he pulled into a gas station to let us out. (Some of us had to change by then.) And Mom quietly walked in and bought another Foxworthy tape. (I will have to disagree with my nephews though, Dad’s egg smell ones will always beat a dog’s.)